Hoping Against all Hope

Hope is a word that i heard constantly as a kid. Jesse Jackson made it famous, "keep hope alive" he would say. I say what for. Life has undoubtedly dealt me a blow that i was neither prepared for and one in which there is no positive outcome; just pain, loss of body function, then death.

What a fate for the once proud athlete, musician, and scholar. As a kid I thought i would live forever; i thought i wouldnt have to worry about getting sick until i was at least beyond 60. Boy was i wrong!!!

When i was first diagnosed with MS i had all hope that i could beat this disease. However, my reality has been that for more than 1000 days i have awakened to the same intense pain, and immobility that i never could have imagined. No cure for my disease, just more pills and shots and pills and shots.

Needing a cane in your 30s is not a sexy look, being single and disabled is even worse. Pain, fear, and loneliness is a lethal combination, and im hoping against hope that my situation will improve. But my reality is that everyday my situation gets a little worse; i struggle to find things to hope for. I struggle to fight to stay alive, but what kind of life am i fighting for? One filled with pain and agony? None of it seems worth it anymore.

Im just going to set up a nice nest egg for my sons and wait for the end to come. My hope is that I leave my sons a legacy of strength, endurance, intelligence, and wealth. Thats all i have left to fight for; thats my mission now and i will not fail.

Hoping against all hope i will be victorious; my kids will be better than me.

UrbanJournalist

Its A New Day

Move on; everyone says that's what you should do, but no one tells you how to do it. Where are you supposed to go?

After weeks of endless time to reflect on all of my failed relationships, I realized that I went into each of them with the wrong mindset. Everyone's looking for love, but do we ever stop to think about to kind of love we want?

I guess that's what you are supposed to do while you are "Moving On". Everyday is a new day; another chance to discover who you are. Once you figure that out, you will know the kind of love you want and more importantly need.

UrbanJournalist

Breaking up can be LONG to do

When you genuinely love someone, you are selfless in all of your dealings with them. Your joint goal initially appears to build a house of love that will last forever.

A few months into the relationship after your first conflict you learn the truth about your union, good or bad. The problem is that most of us ignore the bad truth that this fire exposes. The choice that you make in this moment will determine how you and your partner will interact with each other. Make the wrong choice and you will find yourself in an endless cycle of disappointment, and you have no one to blame but yourself because you ignored the truth. Make the right choice and you may end up with a good friend and ally for life.

So my advice to all is to acknowledge the truth no matter how ugly it is, and if you have to let someone go that you thought was going to be your lover for life; do it, because breaking up can be long to do!


UrbanJournalist

Misplaced

On this, the late Micheal Jackson's birthday, I began looking at his life and realize that as long as he conformed he was accepted. The minute he showed the world a small portion of who he was and what interested him he was ridiculed and rejected. People wondered why he bought the Elephant man's bones, or built an amusement park in his backyard. Once he built a safe place for himself he retreated to it and became misplaced in society. I connect with his need to do that and decided to reflect on how I am misunderstood and subsequently misplaced.

As a masculine female, I experience discrimination and judging eyes almost on a daily basis. I am never comfortable.

If I walk into a women's restroom I'm looked at like I'm lost, and if I stay when I come out of the stall; I see women clutching their daughters like I'm the Medusa and they will turn to stone if they look at me.

If I go out to a heterosexual club, playas hate on me because they are intimidated by my natural masculinity and feel the need to remind any female that makes an advance toward me "that's a girl." As if I walk around pretending to be a man. I'm just being me, just living my life. I thought this was America.

And most surprisingly, the place that I should feel the most at home, a gay club, is the place that causes me the most frustration! Guys look at me and think I'm a gay man and suddenly engulf me, standing all around. Only to be disappointed when they find out "that I'm a girl". Other masculine gay females hate on my effortless and natural masculinity and quickly clutch their girls up as if I were going to walk out with all of them. I wish!

There is no place for me. I feel most comfortable when I'm home. I try to bring the things that I love in my house. People thought Michael Jackson was weird for building Neverland Ranch, and that Hugh Heffner was going to lead us all to hell when he built the playboy mansion. All they did was build them a place they could be comfortable in, and let me tell you if I had their doe my crib would be talked about foe sho!

Misunderstood individuals wind up retreating to their homes and wind up becoming even more misunderstood and misplaced.

For all those reading this, please honor Micheal's legacy by opening your minds some. Stop labeling people. We are Americans too, we deserve a right to be free in our own skin.


UrbanJournalist

You Ole Heathen

Why "Christians" feel that they are the only ones who "know" God? just because u sit up in a church on Sunday doesnt make you a moral expert. please keep your moral doctrines and religous theories to yourself.

Back up and get out of my face! It is not your job to save my soul; ONLY God can judge me. DON'T throw stones if you live in a glass house.

"You Ole Heathen"- Aunt Esther

UrbanJournalist