Hoping Against all Hope

Hope is a word that i heard constantly as a kid. Jesse Jackson made it famous, "keep hope alive" he would say. I say what for. Life has undoubtedly dealt me a blow that i was neither prepared for and one in which there is no positive outcome; just pain, loss of body function, then death.

What a fate for the once proud athlete, musician, and scholar. As a kid I thought i would live forever; i thought i wouldnt have to worry about getting sick until i was at least beyond 60. Boy was i wrong!!!

When i was first diagnosed with MS i had all hope that i could beat this disease. However, my reality has been that for more than 1000 days i have awakened to the same intense pain, and immobility that i never could have imagined. No cure for my disease, just more pills and shots and pills and shots.

Needing a cane in your 30s is not a sexy look, being single and disabled is even worse. Pain, fear, and loneliness is a lethal combination, and im hoping against hope that my situation will improve. But my reality is that everyday my situation gets a little worse; i struggle to find things to hope for. I struggle to fight to stay alive, but what kind of life am i fighting for? One filled with pain and agony? None of it seems worth it anymore.

Im just going to set up a nice nest egg for my sons and wait for the end to come. My hope is that I leave my sons a legacy of strength, endurance, intelligence, and wealth. Thats all i have left to fight for; thats my mission now and i will not fail.

Hoping against all hope i will be victorious; my kids will be better than me.

UrbanJournalist