Now I Understand

On July 4, 2007 I woke up, fell out of bed, and my life changed.  I lost my health, lost my job, lost my sons, lost my lady.  I cursed God and wondered how he could do these things to me.  I wondered how he could take away everything I  worked so hard to attain...thats just it, I had attained it.

Me, the college dropout quit her job at Wells Fargo paying her 35,000 in 2006 to strike out in a different direction; one that landed me in a job that paid more than double.  I was in a relationship that I thought would last forever...man was I wrong, but it was for the best, now she's married happy and raising her first child.  My sons moved back to Greenville with their father and blossomed in their personalities.  Once I regained my health they refused to return to Raleigh to live with me, they didnt want to loose their friends.

Their doing so, forced me to move back to Greenville and transfer to Pitt Community College from Wake Tech to finish my Associates in Arts degree so I could transfer back to Carolina to finish my Journalism degree. At PCC I discovered their Web Technologies program and became re-enveloped in my love for art, clean lines, and technology; found a new way to express myself creatively.

Moving back to Greenville also connected me to my Nala.  She is the catalyst to it all, the real reason I finally finished!  I've started millions of things, hell I transferred into Pitt with 40 credits, never finishing one, til NOW!  Were it not for her being the Mickey in my corner telling me to get back out there after taking a beating in every round; I would have quit, just like I had done so many times before.

Now Im a Web Designer, with two Associates degrees, re-enrolling in the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in the fall to as a Junior to begin working on my Bachelors then Masters in Computer Science, and minor in Journalism.

All of this is the result of one moment...a moment that I loathed for 7 years.  I wondered why for so long, why me, why now, why this.  Now I have the answer.  It took something drastic to bring me to a place where I would pay attention to what was important; no matter how little you have you still have the ability to help someone, take time to make memories with your family, do the things you love, love the people your with, and never ever stop chasing your dreams, take up your cross and follow, become the thing you were created to be.

I lost everything but I gained so much more, something so much more lasting.  I went from 70,000 a year to disability, and Im a better parent, my kids a better students and happier.  How can you get more with less...with God, that's how.  Thats the lesson He wanted me to learn all a long.  In the future though, I hope Ill be a lot less hardheaded and just listen the first time when God whispers it to me...

...Hate It or Love It; Either Way You Felt Something

Justice 4 Trayvon

A few weeks after Trayvon Martin was killed, my youngest son Deuce (12 at the time) was stopped by 3 polices officers with their guns drawn because he was walking back from the wooded area our neighborhood with his BB rifle. On first glance looks sensible, but when you add in the fact that he had just been walking back from the woods with his two nonblack friends who also had their BB guns, yet they were allowed to continue home, you may begin to raise an eyebrow.

When I answered that call that told me the police were holding my son in the neighborhood, who subsequently was wearing a hoodie, I remembered feeling nauseous. I know Deuce, what could he have done? I was unaware that he had been carrying that BB gun openly. When he received it for Christmas I gave him a LONG lecture about how realistic it looked and how I didn't care that his white friends carried theirs openly, he couldn't do it. I handed him a duffle bag to carry it in and told him to keep it there until he was in the woods where the targets they were shooting at we're set up. He looked at me as if I were crazy, and did what kids do, waited until he caught me slippin' and did it his way. The first officer to talk to me that night continuously said to me how it was because of Trayvon they responded with the "abundance of caution". Caution? The three of them needed to draw their guns and point them at my son for his own safety? That's where we are now?

As Deuce and I turned to walk home I knew two things 1) he would never try to play with that BB gun again and 2) had it not been for Trayvon's sacrifice one officer, or for that matter, one neighbor may have responded to their assumptions ending with my son being shot. I can't tell you how long I hugged my son that night, but I remembered that after I thanked God, I thanked Trayvon. It was because of him my son made it home; and it will be his sacrifice that will allow millions of our sons to come home.

I have no words about the verdict; only that justice has never been blind to color, it's been that way for us for 400 years. Before Trayvon's death, my sons could not imagine the America I grew up in, let alone the one their grandparents grew up in. Now they know what I mean when I repeatedly admonish them that when they both make it from Kindergarden to College without a stop to prison or the graveyard that one of them will be taking somebody else's slot. Now they understand why only 1 in 3 make it unscathed; why my fears for them aren't hyperbole, why the street corner isn't the only place their lives are in danger.

This is our reality but we can't sit back and be victims. I've explained to my sons why I only allow them to wear white tees and red at home, why we only wear collared shirts when we go out. I've explained to them how "matching the description" by wearing the urban uniform could be the most dangerous way they could endanger their lives. This has shown them why I've been trying to imprint these habits on them now, so they continue to practice them when they leave the nest. I don't know if any of these things will save their lives but I've gotta hope that they will.

Thank you Trayvon, you did not die in vain. 

Those Were the Days - Ode to Edith

(Sings to the All in the Family theme song)

Boy the way Mike Jackson played

Songs that made the hit parade 

Bois like us we had it made

Those were the days

And you knew where you were then

Men supported their families then

Mister we could use a man like 

Bill Clinton again

Still growing our welfare state 

Our kids we fail to educate

Man my old Honda ran great 

Those were the days

Equal Rights Under the Law

I tried to be silent on this issue, but people wont let me rest; so as your resident gay, Im gonna answer this inboxed question for the group...

Here are my thoughts on the Civil Rights issue (yes I said Civil rights) that is currently being argued before the Supreme Court: 

1.  This is America, where we all have the right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness; all means all, not just Christian Anglo-Saxons.

2.  People love to point to the Bible and say that God invented marriage.  Please show me the scripture where God defines marriage; go ahead, Ill wait...God didnt define marriage, people defined marriage; God honors the commitment.  Besides, initially, God's chosen people were polygamous; I wonder if God ordained that.

3.  This is a Civil Rights issue because I am clearly being discriminated against purely because Im a woman who loves a woman.  She should have the right to be by my side in my weakest moments, should I be hospitalized, and she should have the right to inherit any assets I leave behind should I die...that fact that she doesnt is totally ridiculous!!! 

4.  Being Black and being Gay arent the same thing; however as a Black Lesbian, I can honestly say that I have been discriminated against far more for being Gay than I have for being Black.  While I didnt grow up in a time where I was barred from places for my skin color, I do live in a time where I am looked at like I just landed from outer space, like I dont belong, like Im an abomination, every time I make an appearance in a Ladies room or a church; Im not saying the two are the same, but they are damn sure related. 

5.  People feel my sons are permanently being scarred because they are being raised by two women.  I happen to feel that my sons are some of the most well adjusted, well mannered, intelligent, articulate, young black men on the planet.  I know for a fact that no one can teach them more about how to love a woman than me; disagree, leave your lady with me for 2 minutes...

#GeekThoughts

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

I get it, I finally get it. This song is about clean slates. I get it. Maybe it took 36 birthdays before I could understand. As I embark on this phase of my journey I realize that at heart Im still the 16 year old version of myself, plus a gray patch in my hair and a wealth of life's experiences. Im still that overachieving student, who loves to learn things for the sake of learning, that 4.0 on my transcript felt really good last semester #DeansListGeek. Im still watching Jeopardy every night training for the day I make my debut on the show, except now Im finding myself getting more and more right (Ive got to put these boys through college somehow). I still love to read, and rereading these classics as an adult has totally blown my mind. I still love writing poems and making music. I still love to sing around my house and reluctant to do it anywhere else, even thought Id probably be pretty good. I still love to draw pictures but now I do them with my camera instead of my pencil on the pages of my Bible and my text books. I still laugh and hang out with the two boys running through my house, except instead of it being my brothers, it's my clones. My future is still wide open, and my list of goals and achievements is still just as long.

Difference is now Ive learned to take life as it comes. To maximize every opportunity. To enjoy the journey. To worry less about things I cant control. To trust God and be honest with him. To believe in myself and my abilities. I've learned that I dont know everything and that everybody has something to teach me. I've learned that dreams can come true, and that my sons really can grow up to be President. Ive learned that it's my responsibility to lead them by example, carrying them as far up the economic ladder on my back as I can to give them a higher platform to start on than I had. Ive learned that honesty is freeing but lonely (people with hurt feelings tend to stay away); the ones who truly love you always find their way back. Ive learned that the Mayans were smarter than most believe and those who were paying attention know that while the world was watching for something awesome to happen from the sky, the real action was happening in the back door. Ive learned that life is my gift of entertainment to my Creator, I know that anytime he tunes in to my channel he is thoroughly being entertained.

That being said I have even less time for bullshit. I dont have any money to loan, Im nation building here at home. If your influence in my life isnt positive please know you are soooooooo last year!

Happy Birthday to Me! May this be the beginning of my best year yet!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

Why not, it's a new year!

...Hate It or Love It; Either Way You Felt Somethin'

For Grandma Matt

There will never be another like you
Sassiest Lady I've ever known
Never left the house unless she was "Lookin' like sumthin'"
Daughter, Friend, Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandma, Great-Great Grandma
Mrs. Mattie Lee Jones, you lived a full life
It was in this building, huddled around a heater with my 20 cousins
I learned my first memory verse; our first Sunday School teacher
We knew it was time for church when we heard you singing
"It's so good to be in here" but is it good to be here today?
The selfish part of me wants to say no
Who will I watch Matlock with?
Who's going to be the Mayor of Myrtle Avenue?
But I know you were ready
I was a Grandchild even before my father became your son-in-law
I always felt like one of your favorites
We all did
Thank you for showing me that you NEVER close the door on your family
Thank you for those rides to school no matter how many days in a row I missed the bus
I'm now immune to whiplash
Thanks for those fishing trips to Whichard's Beach and vacations to White Lake
It's because of you I no longer have rollers on my butt
Only person who could lick dishes clean faster than I could wash 'em
Sorry for the times I touched your wigs, and your pistol, when you sent me to fetch something from your dresser
Thanks for the year you helped raise my son, can't call what you did daycare
He's such an old man because of his time with you
Four months ago I asked you what the first thing Granddaddy Cecil said when you guys first met
You smiled and said "Hey Sweet Thang"
I know those were his words when you guys met again
I'm envious of the love you two shared
I'm proud of you and the life you lived
I love you; I know you're resting

Auld Lang Syne

So my 18 is 18 and it feels great. For the first time in years I've had back-to-back years of positive emotional progress, even though it book ended a plethora self-inflicted digressions. I truly love my life. I love my Lady and my Clones, and am eternally grateful for the unconditional love and support they give me...wait is this the same ole' Charlie Brown?

Yerp! It sure i--well...ACTUALLY it's not(in my best Dion voice)! This is the new and improved me. The semi-mature me, the self-confident me (well I've always been that me), the me with healthy love in my life, the entrepreneurial me! I'm seeing the potential future in my life get a few additional optional endings right before my eyes.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same...Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,and—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son - Rudyard Kipling

This has been recurring theme in my thirties (one at which I struggle with tremendously being a Bi-polar Aquarius), brought to my attention by my Dear Ole'Uncle Alvin, drilled to the core by Phi Alpha Nu (kinda missed the cut on that one...dern narcissism), and one that I am slowly getting closer to mastering; and by mastering I mean getting a good ole' American "C".

Thirty-five has taught me how to love and be loved. To give of myself in ways I never knew possible. That fidelity in my relationship could be more than just a dream. That the love I show my loved ones may never be reciprocated. That mind over matter is a valid principle. That dreams are still worth having. That I am still pretty damn intelligent. That I am severely under paid. That my children are listening. That it's now or never.

With that being said, I don't have time for the bullshit I used to have time for. I'm busy working on my future and family's future. If your influence in my life isn't positive please know you are soooooo last year!

Happy Birthday Me!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

HELL YEAH! F- 'em!

...Hate It or Love It; Either Way You Felt Somethin'